Today I overheard my husband tell a friend that I am anxious and nervous about the DBS surgery only 15 days away. I wish I could say I was anxious, nervous, excited or scared…or any emotional feeling at all. Actually I only feel physical sensations. Tremoring hands, inner tremors throughout my body, extreme stiffness and tightness and the pain that goes with it and a sore hip. At this moment in time its difficult to stand up straight and I am going to regret getting in bed because there is just no comfortable position. Will I feel joy, relief, or happiness or any emotion after the surgery? Will it be a change in the physical sensations with no emotional counterpart?
My life amazes me. Is it OK to be amazed by yourself? I think so!!!
This afternoon I spent quality time with Nan Little, who we brought to our community as a speaker about Parkinson’s Disease and her new book. If she had not been diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease would she have climbed Kilimanjaro, trekked to Ana Purna Base Camp, visited Machu Pichu, cycled across IOWA 5 times, hiked, skied, kayaked? Would she have met me?
Where did this PD journey take me? If I had not been diagnosed would I still be working? Would I have made 5 trips to Europe, three which were long distance walking treks. Would I have cycled across Iowa, not once but twice in the middle of summer, or logged hundreds of miles at home training. Would I have taken up Tai Chi, started to Kayak, put a punching bag up in my garage? Would I have met all of these kind and wonderful and smart people who are my friends and health care providers. Would I have met Nan Little if I had not been diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease?
The physical sensations I feel from PD are annoying. Yet I can live with them. Its a choice to take my meds, to eat reasonably and exercise hard. Its just as possible to ride across Iowa with PD as it is to stay home with PD. I decide how much I want to put into fighting the symptoms.
The big stormy rain cloud does hide a silver lining. I am amazed at what I have accomplished. I am amazed at what my friend NAN LITTLE has accomplished. Its in the choice.